DV - Everybody's Issue

With a range of women's concerns being pulled into the maelstrom of election cycle rhetoric, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) has now become another political football. Originally co-sponsored by Democratic Sen. Joe Biden and Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch in 1994, the bill comes up for reauthorization approximately every five years. The Senate has voted to reauthorize the bill. However, the House has put forth its own version -- which eliminates aspects that have traditionally included protections covering confidentiality for immigrants, outreach to those in the LGBT community, and improved prosecution of perpetrators against Native American women.

Click here to read more of Huffington's Post writer Marcia G. Yerman:
Domestic Violence - Everybody's Issue

The Story of Ann part two

 After explaining all that Ann could do with her husband, she felt educated enough to talk to him on her own.  I told her to use "I" sentences and to be calm and make her point without making him feel like she was attacking him.  She needed to politely point out how he made her feel when he changed how he treated her, once married he was a different person.  She called it Jekyll & Hyde, and it made her feel as if she had made a huge mistake.  Their honeymoon had been magical and now it seemed like someone had ripped the rug out from under her.  She questioned had he always been this way and I chose to overlook it?  She loves her husband and wanted to give it a chance to see if they could get through whatever it is.

I received a call from her over the weekend and she sounded despondent not this happy go lucky woman I had spoken to days before.  She kept telling me how she tried hard to be calm and think of his feelings, but in the end he just brushed it off as she was the controlling one.  All was blamed on her and she had no idea how bad the situation was till that talk.  He even accused her about talking to someone professional and that if she was she better not speak to them again.  She was dismayed that he reacted the way he did.  She felt like it was all her fault and that maybe she should not speak to me again.  I of course told her that she has every right to talk to whomever she wants and to not let someone take away your rights.  I am not a counselor, but from my experience there are certain things you figure out and make you wiser so I didn't want her to succumb to his controlling behavior.

The lesson here is she a bright young woman with a great career ahead of her, comes from a well to do family and has both her parents with no history of abuse of any kind.  She's always been a leader and straight A student.  Not your typical abuse victim like so many stereotype them to be.

I will continue Ann's story in a few days, in the meantime will y'all comment and let me know what you think good or bad about her story.  Do you feel she is handling this the right way?  Would you do it differently? 

If you missed the first part here's the link:  http://fivestarsurvivor.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-story-of-ann-part-one.html

Going Purple!!

Hi everyone I'm asking you to get involved in making the world purple for domestic violence awareness!! Please view my video and join me in purple unity!

Red Flag Wednesday

Always be aware of who you are interested in or starting to date, check for red flags and let family know where you are just in case. Familiarize yourself with your local corrections facility website and know how to look up who you are talking to. Here is the definition of domestic violence again so that when you do see what they are arrested for you understand even a misdemeanor is something to be concerned about. I'm not condemning someone who has gone to jail I am simply educating you on how to find their mugshot if they have one. Also you can look at public records to find their arrest information as well.   Educate yourself so you're not a victim!!

Domestic violence" means any assault, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, stalking, aggravated stalking, kidnapping, false imprisonment, or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another family or household member.

When someone moves really fast with you, like a whirl wind romance they don't want you to know who they really are (not all but most).

 Some red flags are:

1. Wants to know where you are at all times of the day (texts, calls, social media)
They are taking up your time which may make you feel like they care and are being protective, but if you feel that it's too much then it's too much.

2. Getting upset with you for the smallest thing, or blaming you for something that has nothing to do with you.

3. Controlling your thoughts... by this I mean putting it in your head and as it ruminates it now becomes your thoughts. Could be self-doubt, or something else.

4. Funny about money and isn't willing to compromise to anything. It's their way or no way!

5. Family is a huge priority, but only their family. It's one sided. Eventually you might not see your family.

6. You don't have to be physically abused to be abused, the mental and emotional can be done abusively by withholding affection, not talking to you and ultimately is punishing you.

From the victims that I've spoken with these are the top red flags that always come up in conversation.  I hope if anything it helps someone to do a gut check. 
 

The Story of Ann part one

Last night I received a phone call from someone who needed help with getting out. I sat there holding the phone listening to a sad story that I knew how tragic it could end. They've been married six months and all was good till they said I do. He changed when they were on their honeymoon, his expectations became clear. He started telling her all the things that were WRONG with her and that she had to change. No more talking to her family he didn't care for them, and now he is her husband. When she got dressed for dinner he pitched an absolute fit because he didn't like what she was wearing. He said they needed to start a family right away and she was to stop taking her birth control. She is still pursuing her education and was wanting to wait a few more years to have a family. I have advised her to try to sit down with him and talk about why he was feeling this way. I also told her to stand firm with how she feels as well. Stay tuned for more...

My thoughts

I could give you the statistics of domestic violence today, but I wanted to have you think for a moment with your heart. Imagine feeling like you have no one to turn to or will understand that you love your abuser and want them to get help so it gets better. You've fooled yourself into believing that if you don't do anything wrong they'll be good. You believe your kids need both parents and besides you don't have money or family to turn to since everyone had to be alienated. You hide the bruises with long sleeves and put on your best smile to cover the worst pain of all - the WORDS that are forever stuck in your mind and heart. The names you are called daily and the feeling of worthlessness. No one will ever want you and you will never leave me. You can't leave when you don't have somewhere to go and you've been told repeatedly that they will kill you if you try. The laws aren't strong enough to keep the abuser in jail and keep you safe from more harm. Most domestic violence cases are misdemeanors which is a travesty of justice since most often times the victim is so badly beat up that the abuser should go away for years not hours. When you ask for an injunction and the judge gives it to you - it's just a piece of paper that says the abuser cannot be within 500 feet of you. The police have their hands tied without a proper law that allows them to actually do something like take them to jail whether you want them to or not. They can put them in a batterer's intervention class that will do nothing, but allow them time to hang out with other abusers and text their friends. It's a crying shame how someone can cause so much pain and not get in trouble for it. Leaving most of the time is just not an option.
Furthermore when you get away from your abuser penniless and been out of work for a long time you have to figure it out immediately. The thoughts that go through your mind are I've got to find a job so I can show I can take care of my child and don't lose custody. Once again, control again and fear again. It's all a game they play.

If you ever find yourself wondering why a victim of domestic violence doesn't leave, maybe just maybe I have shed some light on the reasons why. Please protect your family from this ever growing epidemic, it's an all consuming disease of everyone around. It's a vicious circle and by bringing awareness to the problems with laws and the lack of help someone can be saved. I appreciate each and every one of you that read my blog and truly pray that it helps at least one person. Take care. God Bless

Please tell me why

Why are so many people afraid to stand up for a cause that protects victims of domestic violence? Children are affected every day and still no one wants to get involved?? If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything! How would you feel if your loved one was the victim would it matter then? There are so many ways to help and still no one makes the call. I sleep well at night knowing I am working towards a better world and I have big plans for domestic violence awareness. What are your goals, what do you want to see change? It's a crying shame that the statistics of DV are going up each day and yet I do this pretty much alone. God bless the wonderful shelters that take these victims in and show them how to move on with their lives. It's still not enough and unless our community gets involved too then it's just a group of us silently helping. Did you know by you not being involved you are allowing more abusers to get away with their crime, you are enabling them. Please get involved, do your part today!!